Week 52: Personal Confessions ~ What your heart fails to reveal the pain will

Firstly I will start this post with a confession - I am obsessed with Korean Drama/movies, it may have something to do with their so adorable language or the storylines that you can relate to (though at times I feel like breaking my ipad when you can clearly see that the girl is silly for falling for the annoying mug when the fun and dependable guy is right there ha telly for you). It was during one of my favourite drama that I learnt something that has since stayed with me, the drama is called 'Master's Sun' its adorable and scary!! sneak peak watch episode 4 the beginning when she wakes up in bed with the CEO and she tells him that waking up at strange places is common occurrence for her that one time she woke up at the cemetery - now they show a clip of people at the cemetery paying their respectives when she wakes up behind the grave with frightening hair and yawns loudly what cracked me up his how fast the people run - I am actually laughing right now thinking about it.

Anyway I deviate..

So as I was saying during this drama I learnt this important lesson, 'what your heart fails to reveal the pain will'. Things have not been going great for me this year emotionally and personally and I could not figure out what my heart is saying or how I should move forward and this message resonated with me so much.

'What the heart fails to reveal, the pain will'

Sometimes in life we go through so many things and most times we do not know how to deal with the situation or how to move forward, I know how hard it is to see clearly sometimes. I always say its easier for someone outside to see inside clearly but those inside do not always have that advantage point. I had a friend who was going through a rough time and I could see clearly what was wrong and as much as I wanted to point out the wrong parts I realised its not always an easy pill to swallow when someone tells you what you probably don't want to hear or worse you get accused of trying to cause trouble. I think all we can do is be there for those people, do not be quick to point out the obvious sometimes its best to play it by ear. I have had 'friends' who when I noticed something and me thinking I am being a good friend voiced the concerns and got accused of trying to cause trouble though later down the road the 'friend' realised I was only looking out for her but was too sorry too late even though I am not one to hold a grudge. 

Life is not always black and white, there are too many gray areas and we need to decide what is worth the risk. There are people who come into our lives for the season (life is like a season) and move on, we need to be grateful for those people because they help shape us. Those who are meant to stay for a lifetime they will come at the right time.

Now that we have that off the chest, do not forget I have two giveaways ongoing and you have twice the chance to win by enter the widgets below.

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{Off-saturday}: I About town

Lately I have had the pleasure of making new friends and eating out in Oxford, where there are so many restaurants, cafés etc to rival the good parts of London. Two Thursday ago now I went for an evening meal with my new friend will call her M who I talked about in this POST. Me and M decided after being so indecisive and Jamie Oliver's Oxford restaurant being crammed we settled so a lovely restaurant across the street from Jamie Oliver's one called "Cleavers".

//Rack of Ribs and //Hot wings

//Sweet potatoes fries...//slim fries

//Sweet Wine 

Yesterday {Friday} I met up with the lovely and beautiful Jemma of Celery and Cupcakes we opted for some Chinese food and settled for a restaurant called "Sojo"

//Seabass

Plain rice

//Dim Sum:://Sea Bass

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Week 29: Personal confessions - The fear to speak

Source 

Ok so today's post is a bit hmmm for me because well I am not usually this. It's true what they say one bad experience can cause people to hide from the world.

I started working for this pharmaceutical company in February and since then have been getting familiar with the area, you know the trains, buses, prices, shops etc but one thing I have not really done is invested some time into making new friends. Why because I am scared shitless, I am one person who let's things get to the heart as I have confessed even though after I deal with it in my own way (usually cry it out) it doesn't bother me any more but I will still remember the feelings and even have back flashes or whatever. 

A while back I was doing my usual minding my own business when this "female" sat opposite me, to be polite I smiled and so did she but I just had this feeling to quickly look back after she had smiled and the face she had on looking at me turned my blood cold. I didn't think smiling at someone is a crime, she gave me a 360 look of disgust and I couldn't understand why. I checked myself in the mirror, checked behind me and nothing to afford that look.

I felt really offended that I just did the most human thing and smiled at a female human being and apparently looking is a crime and so is smiling, it bothered me a lot that day and I was so drained from thinking about it. I later found out she does that to every single person who smiles at her.  

So this experience lead me to today's post, for months now I have seen this girl on the train and the bus to work. She gets on the train before me but we get off same stop, get on/off same bus/stop. I have always wanted to say hi but my experience above seemed to rear it's ugly head out everytime and I didn't want to be embarrassed in front of this professional people on this bus who hardly ever cracks a smile (those who know me know I can keep my teeth in my mouth cause I am always smiling). 

Anyway so last week Friday I decided the fear was too crippling and I didn't like the feeling so I just decided today (last Friday) is the day I said hi and don't care for repercussions (if bad). No I was wrong, she was so happy I said hi because she had the same experience and felt the same way. We talked about it and now we can't shut up, we always chatting like besties and I am so happy I took the first step because I gained a new friend and my fear has been sent packing. I really hated feeling powerless and scared of being in that awkward position again. 

{Guest Post - Dharia from Dharia's Closet} Confessions from a Recovered Patient from Eating Disorders

Hello Guys&Dolls, some of you are coming from my other blog AJD to finish this emotionally wonderful story.

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To this day, she has no clue I got sick. After a while, I actually got fed up of what was going on with me, I was not dating the boyfriend I mentioned any more, and I said to myself “This has to stop”. So I went totally on my own to therapy this time, that I combined with a nutriologist therapy (with a special diet), and exercise (ballet and contemporary, but giving classes). So, from 64 I went to 48 in around a year, without throwing up one single time, and, accepting myself even more. The psychologist took forever to make me understand I was not ever gonna weigh 42 kilos ever again because my metabolism has changed, and of course, I am not 18 anymore, and she taught me many things, that is what I wanna point out in here. No matter how much I weigh (I am now between 48 and 50 depending on my lifestyle).

I am always gonna look fat to myself, but I’ve learned to love that. Some people think I am pretty and that I have a gorgeous body (their words, not mine), so, maybe not all of them are wrong, and I’ve learned that the “fatness” is an illusion, and even if I was, that doesn’t make me unworthy or ugly, so, whenever I gain a little bit of weight, I start taking care of my diet, eating a lot of salads, and of course, exercising, and thats a way I keep myself healthy. The will to throw up, is constantly there, but I fight with it, and I feel very proud each time I have avoided it for the past years, like alcoholics, one day at the time. I have a nice interior: I am a person full of love, and I love to give it to my family, my friends, all the animals, and I also try to cultivate myself every day a little bit. That’s a good thing. Even if I was “fat” that would not go away. I have a man that loves me and I’m sure he sees in me way much more qualities than I do, and if he does, I’m sure I have more nice things than just a body or a face. I dedicate more time to my friends and family now, because they are the people who love me and see good things in me, and I’m sure they would still be with me even if I was “fat”, so, I am less selfish because every person has something nice to show you and teach you.
I take a lot of care of my appearance without being a freak: Nice makeup, hair and clothes, always make me feel more secure, and especially if my outfit is funky, probably the people will look more at it instead of examining my body (I know they don’t, but that’s the way you think sometimes). I’ve found hobbies that are good for me but at the same time keep me away from thinking too much in fake complexes: painting, photography, and writing. I avoid long long times in front of the mirror because if I do that, instead of seeing the good things, I’m gonna concentrate in defects (that everybody has, I know, but after having an eating disorder) the tiniest thing can cause a catastrophe. I’ve talked about it with my closest friends, and they’ve always show me support. And finally: I’ve learnt to love myself for what I am as a person, and not depending on the acceptance of the others. This is the longest process, but every day something good happens, a lick on the face of my dog, a nice breakfast someone makes to me, finding a coin on the street, and then I say “hey, I am OK, I deserve this things!” Still a long way to go, but I am also proud of myself of recovering.
 Remember:
You are, you are, and yes, you are beautiful. We ALL are in a way or another, and you are blessed with life. Life is too short to spend it suffering in all the things you are not or you don’t have. It is better to spend it enjoying every single moment, share the moments, when possible, and believe that you are good enough to receive all the good things you have in it. Everybody is different and that is what makes us beautiful. Black, white, brown, yellow skin, Asian, Latin, African, European or mixed features, eyes in all colors, all kinds of bodies: curvy, plump, skinny, sandclock. If you spend your life trying to achieve something you are not (Like Natalia Vodianova looks) you will never be happy, and there is something in you, that always stands out: Your eyes, your hair, your style, your sense of humor, your body. But WE CAN’T HAVE IT ALL. Be happy with what you have, and feel thankful for it. After all, if we were all Natalia Vodianova, there would be no fun! Spoil yourself: you deserve it, and it will make you feel special. You can treat yourself to a bubble bath, an ice cream, a walk on the park, a glass of wine. Something that helps me also is to feel sexy (not slutty). A nice v cut every now and then, nice underwear, heels. Probably no one will notice, but you will feel good.

 Smile, enjoy, and love yourself!

Thank you for reading my good friend's story, if you would like to know more about her please check out her blog (Dharia's closet) she features a lot of people from other countries.

Myrabev.

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Wordless Wednesday ~ Kimchi Lunch in Oxford

Happy peeps! so on Sunday my best friend and I went to oxford for lunch at a korean restaurant called "Bam Boo" we saw on a night out in Oxford. We have been obsessed with everything korean for the last 2+ years and we don't look like we will be slowing down anytime soon. Today's post I will share some of the pictures we took as it was such a lovely day to waste. I hope you enjoy the pics, until next time ciao.

{Off-Sundays} Here is to the weekend

Hello peeps, quick post to share my weekend with you all. Saturday went out in oxford for some well needed and deserved night out and Sunday was chilled with a trip to the newly discovered and loved Korean restaurant called Bam Boo. A few pictures for you till next post. 

Friends and ... Burgers @BONDs

Wordless Tuesday...more or less

Yesterday I met up with my good friend/former housemate in london's Oxford street, we decided to catch up over hot chocalate and a classic burger from the london pub Bonds. It is always great when you get a chance to catch up with friends who for one reason or the other cant see every time. We ended the good old catch  up with a quick trip to Forever21 to quench the shopping thirst.

Bonds has great menu

Classic Burger with chips and sweet sauce

chibata something...lol

Its unfortunate that I dont drink anymore

My white wine replacement

{Off-Sunday} You are not baptised!!!

Hello peeps happy Sunday! During the closing of the year service at my church I made a decision to change, this change is aimed towards going to church more often. I mentioned in one of my posts about how have become a part time church gower and that did not seat well with me nor my family and friends so that day I promised The Lord to try my hardest to go to church on Sunday and it didn't necessarily have to be New Apostolic but had to be a Christian church.

Last night I asked my housemate if I could go to church with her as her church is 2 minutes from the house we live in. She accepted and she was so happy I had finally decided to go to church with her. I went to a Catholic Church today for the first time in over 20 years, the last time I went I was a kid in zambia and the priest at the church refused me holy communion because he said I was not baptised in their church. I must say from the day on wards I refused to set foot into a Catholic Church I just remember being a kid and being so embarrassed after walking a long way from my seat to the front only to be denied the only communion. I was hurt to say the least, that was the last day I set for into a Catholic Church until today. 

I was nervous and anxious because old feelings started to resurface so I just prayed hard and concentrated on the word that was being preached today. I enjoyed the service I enjoyed being in the presence of The Lord and worshiping but I will say I missed my church but since we all pray to the same God my heart and are soul are equally nourished. 

After the service my friends and I went about town and had Sunday roast, good chat and shopping then home to reflect on the days happenings and being thankful for what The Lord has done for me in my life and what he continues to do for me daily.

Thanks for reading my post, I hope you enjoyed it please comment below.